As soon as I heard these words on giving readings (scroll way down to the large font at the bottom), I knew I was waiting for them because they said what I’ve been feeling but couldn’t articulate:
The best readers I’ve encountered (and they are very few), are the ones who had no interest in giving professional readings; least of all, they never tried to make it a livelihood. It just happened.
In fact, they were actively trying to make something else, a separate livelihood that they had true passion for — but, watch how this works, no genius for like they did readings — happen.
As someone who’s life purpose is the theme of the unexpected, I’ll say this: It’s the unexpected talents that we’re met with, given, that life presents to us and which we simply live out without even recognizing that we’re doing it, that are the most meaningful. They’re the most meaningful because we don’t identify with them as our own, and because of that lack of ego involved, we can’t fuck it up with illusions of our own grandeur. We don’t know they exist, latent within us. We simply do it, and that’s that. It’s in the most uncontrived acts that our greatest gifts live — or so life has shown me. That in doing something we don’t even realize we’re doing — that’s when we are the most connected, and contributing our greatest to the totality.
Recently, I decided it’s time to get a part-time, normal job.
I was stuck on getting a singular position, at a certain place, and then when I learned that I was not hired for it a few days ago, I understood something else:
I had literally just fabricated an idea of something, something I thought was meant to happen, out of some illusion of control I think I still have over my life.
I was still trying to make something happen.
I first caught glimpse of this delusion before learning I wasn’t hired, when I received Devin’s sweet birthday gift to me — a spa package to the exact place I wanted a job. Oh, I thought, maybe I just want more massages in my life.
It felt like a classic example of not truly knowing what I want until it presents itself — in a way, it’s part of the reason why the projector needs an invitation, and the generator is meant to act in response, etc
Because the mind has a tendency to think — or fabricate out of thin air — what it thinks it wants. And then is very disappointed when it doesn’t get it.
I thought I was meant for this job, but really all I want is more massages and spa days in my life. (How fun!)
Once recovered from my crestfallen, not hired state, I zoomed out even further and thought —
Maybe I had other skills I could rely on. Skills that I was good at and have been employed for before, albeit ones that I don’t choose to identify with over a reader because maybe, I think they make me normal — which is what I am, and after all, is also the designation I give to my favorite and not coincidentally, what I’d generally consider to be the least cringe worthy people on this planet. And perhaps I could use those skills to make money in ways that didn’t wholly depend on an occupation as precious as giving someone life guidance for a living.
Maybe I’m still too personally involved in what it means for me, to accurately give a valuable reading to someone. Maybe.
Our ability to help others, to contribute our awareness, hinges on our awareness of ourselves. I know this, I’ve known this. And up until now, I have been refusing to confront what this means for me.
Over the past year, I’ve noticed how - slowly, over time - I’ve put less and less energy into my business. It was in refusing to contribute anything lasting on instagram that became the most noticeable — it just felt off.
But what I thought was happening with instagram, was that as my energy pulled away from that space, that it would show up again with people in real life: that perhaps I was transitioning into doing more readings IRL. Nope, that wasn’t it either. Hilariously — because we have to laugh at ourselves, it’s really so funny when we take an observational position on our life and just watch what we do instead of labeling whatever it is we are, or are not doing, wrong — I had just spun another tale, one that wasn’t actually happening… ;-)
… Until eventually, I realized I could no longer support myself with what I was making from readings. Now things were getting “real.”
I think the last three years have taught me leaps and bounds in the journey of deconditioning my undefined ego, about self worth — that it really, truly did not depend on how much I made. I stopped caring, it simply no longer mattered.
… Nor does it matter what it is I do.
And now, it’s like the wisdom there has morphed into realizing there are things in my life I want to spend money on, that is more than the bare bones of having a place to live, the food I want to eat, and … well, that’s been really all I’ve been able to afford. International travel was part of that equation back in 2021, but only because I intentionally lived in a place that had such a low cost of living.
In short, to have a second job would feel empowering. And with only a single, individual splenic channel in my design — doing what is healthy and empowering for me is the differentiation I’m here to carry in this life.
I’ve been over $5,000 in credit card debt since 2021, when I paid for a summer trip to Santa Fe for the human design conference and realized I wanted to move back here. I haven’t minded the “debt,” it’s served me well — and I now know it’s time to pay it off so I can continue the adventures that are the type of investments that give me dividends, that I receive ten fold more energy than I’ve put in, that feel more purposeful to me than little else in this life.
I love going out to eat, I love feeling fancy while eating at said fancy restaurants; I love Airbnbs, I love spending a night in a hotel, even in the same damn city where I live; I like spending a whole day, once a week, at a spa, and I would love to give that gift as well. Again… things that, for years, did not matter. Now they do.
It’s these little things in what it means to enjoy a human life that for the longest time, I just didn’t get, I didn’t see the value in. Now I do. Now I see them as aspects, expressions of love that matter as much to me, the giver, as they do the receiver. They suddenly feel like, in all their normalcy, a very crucial component in maintaining the flow of life; that they’re apart of making my little contribution to the totality, because it is correct and empowering for me to do so.
… Technically, am I initiating this move into getting a normal job?
Fuck ya I am.
Did I also receive an invitation to get a part time job?
Yes, but perhaps not technically what you’d consider true recognition.
And I also don’t care. I simply have to see what happens.
And more crucially, I’m watching myself transition from being as idle as I was for the the past year, unknowingly in an extended period of waiting, into suddenly moving into action. It’s like witnessing the mutation, a newfound drive and hunger for life that I didn’t know I was waiting for, gaining force in me.
Maybe I am delusional, and no job life materializes because of just how incorrectly I’m *deciding* to live out my energy.
— and as an aside to that, the second to last time I tried to “initiate” getting a job was in June 2019, just after I relearned I’m a projector and I’m not here to make things happen the way a manifestor is. It was pretty miraculous: no matter how many places I applied for, it simply wouldn’t happen. Wow, I thought, I guess there is something very literal about this projector thing. And beyond that, it just wasn’t written in the cards at that time; and connecting to the energetic dynamics of what it means to be a projector, helped me see that. Things had to massively fall apart at that point in my life before any kind of forward movement could occur.
Could that happen again? Yep, course. Do I care? Nope.
OR, the job I do get, goes terribly wrong because of how I wasn’t recognized and invited into it, and blah blah blah, it ends and my faux-manifesting powers are proven wrong yet again … etc … and human design is once more, codified in my life.
… or maybe not. Maybe this is exactly the direction I’m hell bent on making in this phase of my life, because it somehow is the next phase, or the conduit to it *because it is empowering to me.*
Because you know what else is true?
The next time I tried initiating a job, was after returning from three months in Bali in 2019. In December I moved back to Santa Fe, spent $1500 on a place that I knew was mine, despite only having $2000 in my bank account. (I asked my landlord if I could skip out on the $500 deposit, and what I didn’t tell him was, I needed it for food that month). I then got my first restaurant job on jan 1, 2020. I just knew it would happen, and it did (literally a restaurant owner emailed me that day, as I knew he would.)
And this is what happened next:
I only had to work in restaurants three months (thank all that is holy, I was truly awful and if it weren’t for that gate 22 of grace ;-), people only tolerated it because I would listen to their problems), before I was invited by one crucial customer to start giving readings. And that’s what the next three years began and continued as.
… Because you see getting restaurant work didn’t feel like initiating, it was simply the next thing. Energy flowing in precisely the way it needed to. And the job was a conduit to that, to me giving readings as the next stage in my process of differentiation.
What I sense is this: a new phase where I don’t care about giving readings to prove how worthy and talented and whatever I am, and where I don’t care about instagram to show the same.
And maybe I stand corrected and fall on my face and you know what, it’s about time. This gate 28 sun is ready for a new risk :-)
Anyways, here’s the words that so clearly elucidated all I’ve been feeling but unable to articulate:
I’m gonna speak to all of you who do readings:
I think what made me good, is that I never saw anybody for so many years. I was in New Hampshire — okay, that’s number one.
Number two is I never wanted to do them; and then I became fascinated… but this is really important because what I really wanted to do, was become a great fiction author. So how god worked with me, is that heaven gave me an ambition, a ferocious ambition, and no talent. And gave me a great genius, and no interest in it.
So I did this, because it was helping [a doctor friend] who I just loved dearly. And then I became fascinated because of my background in theology, and kept saying, “What the heck, this is the soul.” So, I went in there like a nun. I thought (*in her innocence motivation voice,*) “oh my god…” with every person.
But I was so blessed to be isolated on a farm, in a village of 800, before the Internet.
No google, no internet, no “oh, I wonder if people are talking about me,” no blogging; none of that unmitigated, consummate crap.
So I was in a monastery like that, which suits me to a T (5/2 profile).
And because I knew nothing about this, I was like this blank slate. And I did eight readings a day, for ten years.
Now. It was never my intention to be liked; to earn a living from it… I had none of those ego intentions (totally open ego, her only undefined center). I was a publisher, that’s where my ego went. I had to be right about the books I accepted, or rejected. So, heaven gave me a cesspool to do my battles in — but it wasn’t here (in doing readings).
And it made me clear about what it is I see, and it also made me able to say what it was I had to say. ‘Do I see cancer coming in?’ I never screened my readings by, will they like me, or not. I could care less, till this day I could care less. It empowered me in a way I didn’t realize people could be empowered.
You have to learn to esteem yourself (here’s the wisdom of the undefined ego)… and you have to learn to spot shadow and light in yourself and others; that you cannot BS yourself.
You have to know yourself so well, that you have to know My Deep Agenda Here, is to be liked, not to be clear — and if that’s it, I’m sending you back to the kitchen [to peel a sack of potatoes.] because you will do more harm than good. You will always do more harm than good if you can’t handle truth.
What is every great spiritual teaching?
Go after the truth.
The truth sets you free, and it sets others free.
But if you’re terrified of truth, then you’ll negotiate truth; you’ll BS yourself, and therefor others. And I’ll tell you something if you’re in that fog, and you are — it’s impossible for you to trust anybody. Because you know you can’t trust yourself.
And that’s why you make lousy readers, lousy Intuitives.
Until your channel is absolutely scraped clean — *whispers,* it took me a decade.
… one of the reasons I could give readings so accurately, was I could see things that didn’t have any gravitas for me. I was not personally involved.
What I learned from that is becoming impersonal about everything including my own life— impersonal doesn’t mean not caring, it means archetypal — seeing things as symbolic as I could, was making my way through.
What you do when you make things personal, is you’re taking something and assigning it to your soul, which the Buddha would say as, you’re creating an illusion. There’s no truth to it at all.
If I say this, they won’t love me anymore. Try it, see what happens. You make up these stories so that you can maintain the illusion of control in your world.
Everything comes down to control and power.
So you make up things in your head, that allow you to continue the myth that you are maintaining control.
— Caroline myss ;-)
P.S. Feel free to forward this to anyone you feel could use it <3